Memoirs
by Paladeus
Summary: Memoirs and hidden journal entries of various Naruto cast members. A series of one-shots meant for humor while following a certain theme. No real ships, but hints at various ones for each 'installment'. This is purely for humor.


Title: Memoirs

Chapter: Ibiki's Memoirs(1)

Ship: N/A – Historically for story, Naruto/Hinata, Iruka/Anko, Konohamaru/Hanabi, Lee/Sakura

Warnings: Crude humor, nudity, language, misery, lack of mind-bleach

**Story Summary**: These are a compilation of memoirs of various people throughout the Naruto universe. Some will be Naruto, Hinata, Sandaime, Yondaime, Hiashi, Kakashi, Sakura, Orochimaru, Jiraiya, Tora, etc. This may also include Naruto's pranking memoirs, which I was thinking of writing first, but Ibiki's seemed more amusing.

**Chapter Summary**: Memoirs, anecdotes, memories and all around horror as Ibiki talks about "the good old days" as Konoha's Interrogation and Torture expert through a book he left for his successor.

**Notes**: This is what I came up with while working on an idea while out of town (Naruto as Master Thief Mouse, from the anime of the same name.) This is just a bunch of scenes I may add to randomly of Ibiki's techniques at work. Feel free to provide your own if you wish. Send a scene via PM and I'll add it in as a new chapter. Just make sure you're a registered user. Same with something similar for anyone, really.

xXxXxXx

Umino Chisio, daughter of Umino Iruka and Umino Anko, was cleaning out an office that hadn't seen the light of day in probably fifteen years. It had once belonged to Morino Ibiki, who preferred it to the usual office he was meant to have because it was more secure and closer to where his people worked, thus keeping him close to anyone who would have needed him. The new head of the Torture and Interrogation unit, Umino Anko, hadn't wanted to use her old boss' office and elected to take the original one, keeping his office as it was other than to have those with the highest clearance levels to clear all work-related files and secure them where they belonged.

However, Chisio, with her dark purple hair, fierce orange eyes and voluptuous figure, wanted to use the office as her own reprieve from some of the sex-addled minds of the men in their building. She had something of a split personality, where she was as sadistic and bloodthirsty as her mother, or as soft-hearted and kind as her father in such a way that was reminiscent of Uzumaki Hinata during her younger years, which drew men to her like a moth to flame. Considering she was usually the latter unless her adrenaline spiked, most men instantly fell in love with her until they annoyed her, at which point she haunted their nightmares for weeks.

Chisio, frighteningly enough, followed through with her threats of violence and had actually nutted six men before they realized they should treat her with respect. The fact that she was widely considered as the perfect embodiment of the female form meant it took a while. And not a single man would approach her in a bar since her mother's tolerance for alcohol was non-existent in her daughter. Chisio would almost instantly become inebriated, but somehow, her father's genes came through and kept her playful. Sadistically playful, but playful. She almost seemed sober as she carved her name into a male aggressor's ass or launched a snake to attach itself to his manhood as she laughed evilly at his new 'trouser snake'.

No. She was the wet dream of many men, but also their darkest fear in Konoha.

Anko couldn't have been prouder.

So, that was part of what led her to want her own office. She worked both in Torture and Interrogation and Cryptology. She handled information from both sides that was amongst the most sensitive and the Rokudaime Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto, had given her permission to select an office so long as it was secure.

Covered in dust so thick she looked like a gray ghost, amusing her as she considered scaring her Hokage as it was one of only two things he truly feared, but deciding against it since it was just after lunch and he would be spending some quality time with his wife, attempting to break his desk again, she rifled through the drawers, tossing anything that didn't seem worth keeping into a box to be removed later.

"Damn it!" Chisio growled, yanking on the middle drawer with all her strength. The wood had warped slightly from jutsu used during the war long ago and the drawer was stuck. "Open up you little bastard!"

Almost as though the ancient desk found her aggravation amusing, it complied, opening with a soft 'schlick!' and causing the girl to flip over backwards and end up upside down against the wall, her black trench coat pooling at her shoulders and showing off her skin-tight shorts and the multiple pockets on it.

Chisio let herself fall to the floor so she was staring up, lamenting the gods and wondering if the Hokage was somehow responsible for this since she put laxatives in his ramen order a week previous, claiming it as practice since he should always be on the lookout for poisons. Sitting up, she glared at the desk and growled before cocking her head to the side. Underneath where the drawer would have been, there was a hidden hollow with a little leather book sticking out slightly.

Sadistic glee danced in those orange eyes as the girl remembered who the last man was to keep that office room was and what that book could be about. She had heard many, many stories of Morino Ibiki from her mother, who saw the man as a father figure of sorts that Anko claimed may have been a son of the Shinigami himself. Anko claimed to have asked the man that once and said he only grinned at her and wouldn't answer.

Crawling quickly on all fours, the sixteen-year old girl rushed to the book and pulled it out, forgetting to check for any possible traps and held the book up, rubbing the caked on dust off of it to read the title, only to blink owlishly.

_'Memoirs of Interrogation by Morino Ibiki'_

Confusion rampant, the purple-haired young lady (though you'd only call her that within earshot if you wanted to be violated in some horrible way) opened the book to the first page.

_These are the memoirs and methods of my success as Konoha's lead torture and interrogation expert. I write this for future generations of Konoha's shinobi so that they will know how I came to be feared by all of our enemies' ninja and in hopes that it falls into the right hands. Take care of Konoha and her people, whoever succeeds me._

_Morino Ibiki_

Chisio squealed in a totally _NON_ fangirl fashion and clutched the lucky leather book to her expansive bosom before she leapt up and rushed to the door, only to stop after two steps and look down at the book, nibbling her rosy, bottom lip. "Mother would really like to have something like this of his," she considered aloud, her eyes twinkling after a few seconds. "But then again, it could have something in it we shouldn't let just _anyone_ read about! For her own safety, I _must_ ensure it's safe, first!"

Giggling like the late Hatake Kakashi, the girl put the diary in her back pocket and rushed to her home where she could make some popcorn, crawl into bed and read.

xXxXxXx

_Method 1: The Girlfriend_

_Despite what some may think, I would never actually use a man's girlfriend against him unless she was a threat or the information I sought was both time-sensitive and of great importance. This, actually, is for those ninja who never realized that our duty sometimes forces us to do things we never want anyone to know about and is amongst the reasons many, such as Maito Gai, are so eccentric. This was the first method I developed when I tried thinking of what could be some of the worse things my nine-year old mind could imagine._

The prisoner's head twitched at every sound. He had held out against Konoha's second-best T&I expert, Mitarashi Anko, for two weeks and she had finally snapped. He had hoped she would kill him. He had hoped it would be his last day on Earth, but he had not expected them to think he had any real information. No. Now, he was given to their _best_, Morino Ibiki.

The man's reputation was well ahead of the man. He was taught in every Academy in each ninja village and was the reason he was twitchy right now.

Ibiki had looked at him when Anko made her request, looked him up and down, smiled and then had him put in this room without any shackles or restraints.

The prisoner jumped when the heavy iron door banged open and Morino walked in, followed by a large man who literally pranced in like her was dancing ballet with bowl-cut black hair, large bushy eyebrows and a physique that bespoke of constant physical training.

And the large, muscled man was wearing a powder-blue tutu with puffy frills and had a sparkly, star-shaped wand in his hand. As the large man danced about, the prisoner whimpered as he noticed the suit covered everything except for the large man's very firm buttocks that seemed to glisten in their lubed glory.

Morino tossed the prisoner his own leotard that was an ice-blue, near white, garment that the man immediately noticed had no ass, just like the large man's, and then a very small squeeze bottle filled with a water-based lubricant. "Put this on, Cupcake, and call me Daddy!"

"_I'll talk!_" The prisoner screamed, scuttling backwards into the corner as Ibiki lovingly stroked the larger man's face. In his sheer terror, the prisoner didn't notice both Konoha nin grin evilly, somewhat thankful he broke quickly. Neither _REALLY_ wanted to know how far such a charade would have to go and Gai decided he would find someone else to be his eternal rival to make bets with.

He liked the spandex leotard, though. Not so much the color, but it breathed like nothing else.

xXxXxXx

_Method 2: The Librarian_

_It's truly amazing where inspiration can strike you. When I was ten, I didn't care for homework. My parents, however, refused to let me door poorly in either school or my shinobi training, which forced my time at the library. The old bat who worked their was a mean old lady I wasn't allowed to so much as glare at. The problem, however, was her deep-seated hatred for children. Sticky fingers and runny noses don't work well with books, it would seem. Still, she was one of the few things I feared as a child._

"The Terminator," Ibiki said, opening a small hole in the wall that was just below waist height, "was originally created by our librarian..." Not entirely true, as her focus was on fingers, but the idea of a civilian coming up with the idea just made it more frightening, just like dentists and the electric chair. He then proceeded to insert a three-inch thick, wooden pole that caused an immediate whirring sound as something chipped away at its length, causing Ibiki to pull it out to show it had been one very large "pencil" sharpener. "Now we bring in the lesbians and hope you have good control, 'cause anything rising to the occasion gets clipped. Each piece of information you provide gives you one 'get out of the hole free', point."

xXxXxXx

_Method 3: Innocent Sadist _

_This is actually one of my more recent realizations. There was a girl, Hyuuga Hinata, who was deeply in love with a boy, Uzumaki Naruto. Hinata is the kindest, sweetest, gentlest, most soft-spoken girl with the softest, gentlest features and innocent demeanor you will ever find. Kittens have come across more threatening than this girl. When she admitted to a friend of her feelings for the boy, a person nearby said something mean about him. The resultant bloodshed and the girl somehow KEEPING that same demeanor had actually brought a tear to my eye, which spawned this idea._

"Tell me again why I'm doing this?" Anko asked as she used a Henge she learned from Uzumaki Naruto to turn into a highly cute, child version of herself in pigtails with a very traditional, poofy-skirted dress. The end result was something that, if she were to walk through the village market (as she had done out of idle curiousity when she refused to believe the boy who taught her this,) every single woman there would pinch her cheeks and even the pregnant ones would demand of their male partners to start up a family. The rather large lollipop was just because she was a sadistic woman who loved the 'innocent' innuendo it would bring.

"Because it amuses you," Ibiki grunted. "That, and Gai refuses to work with me anymore for things like this."

Anko snorted in response. "Have you heard he's going on about something called 'the flames of youth' now? I think you _really_ messed that man up. He gives himself outrageous challenges now, too. I actually found him doing twenty laps around Konoha on his fingers with a hundred pound boulder cradled in his legs. Impressive, but if he failed, he intended to use the same boulder and recreate the Hokage Monument using his fingers. I sort of went into a daze after that, so I'm not sure what he would have done next."

Ibiki shrugged, motioning the supposed little girl to the door and opening it for her. Without missing a beat, Anko put on a wide, beaming smile and hopped energetically as she rushed through the door.

"I promise, I'll do good, Daddy!" Anko said, her voice adopting a childlike tone that fooled even Ibiki as the prisoner looked on in confusion. "Show me! Show me!"

"Calm down, pumpkin," Ibiki told the little girl, smiling and chuckling, paying the confused prisoner hanging from the chains in the middle of the room no attention. "I promise, you can help with this one, too!"

The little girl squealed and glomped her daddy's leg before immediately turning to the prisoner and waving happily at him. "Hello prisoner-kun! I'm Layla-chan and I'm helping Daddy at bring-your-child-to-work today so I can be just as good as him when I grow up!"

The prisoner immediately burst into laughter, making the little girl pout and Ibiki to scowl. "Hahaha! _You_? Oh, this is _priceless_! I knew you Konoha tree huggers were soft, but _wow_! I _am_ impressed! Hahaha!"

'Layla' burst into tears and looked at her father who radiated enough killing intent to make the prisoner nervous, only to burst into laughter again as he saw the little girl cry. He was a Mist Jounin. This sort of thing was amusing to him.

"Pumpkin," Ibiki growled, forgetting for a moment that they were playing roles as he saw _'HIS_' little girl cry. "Go over to the toolbox and get the 'E-stick'."

Layla blinked in confusion, wondering just what Ibiki was thinking that he would need the Enema-Stick, but did as told. The scarred man appeared rather upset. She did as she was told and went over to a table behind the man, still sniffling, feeling like she shouldn't break character, and grabbed a ten-inch long, three-inch wide metal tube that looked like something from her underwear drawer more than a torture device. "Here you g-go, Daddy," Layla said quietly, making it seem as though she were getting over her crying slowly with the intentional stutter.

"You keep it, dear," Ibiki said soothingly, moving some of the little girl's hair from her face behind her ear and patting her on the head. "It's just like the one earlier today. You remember what to do?"

Layla's grin actually made the prisoner stop snickering. Her verbal response, however, put the fear back into him. "YAY! You'll put him on all fours and take off his panties? And didn't we have a slippery lotion or soap to use on that meanie head?"

"I told you, girls wear panties, boys wear underwear," Ibiki chided lightly, smiling at the girl to hide the grin from the suddenly pale man's whimper. "And we won't be needing those other things this time. We only use those when they cooperate. Remember how to open it when it's in?"

With an abundance of enthusiasm, Layla shoved the metal cylinder forward and twisted the bottom. But rather than the vibrating she enjoyed most nights, this one suddenly shot out little spikes from each side with a loud, metallic 'SHING!' "And then I just yank it out, right? Or is that _after_ we tie string around his boy parts and cut them off? I can't remember that part, I'm sorry."

"That's my girl!" Ibiki said happily, joyous as the prisoner began to sob. "And it's _after_," he decided, nodding, watching fondly as the little girl got to work and was trying to get the man's pants off before he starting to sing like a canary.

xXxXxXx

_Method 4: Wood shop_

_My first Genin team had a boy named Saionji Ginji, whose father was a carpenter. Now THAT man was a sadist. I accidentally got water on a batch of the man's chakra-enhanced wood, the kind used for chakra papers and Shrine Seals, and my options were to either work to pay it off or he'd use his table saw on me._

The prisoner stumbled as he was coerced forward, the shackles at his ankles and wrists all tied together so he could barely take a half step. To be blunt, the man was a little nervous, despite the knowledge that he was a prisoner of Konoha's and they were going to do whatever it took to get information out of him, since he wouldn't dare betray the Tsuchikage. No, being a prisoner would have had him a little nervous, anyway.

What really disturbed him is that they gave him pain killers _before_ the torture had begun, along with plenty of water, a good meal and even a few minutes with a lovely, purple-haired woman who seemed sympathetic to his plight who kept apologizing. The tea they gave him right before they took him away had been a hibiscus and chamomile blend that he knew was designed to keep people calm.

That was why being only a little worried bothered him. He knew he should be terrified.

To be honest, that terror began to creep in, despite the steps taken otherwise, as the two Chuunin led him into what looked like a carpentry shop where Morino Ibiki was sitting at a very beautiful table with a small cup in his hands. The Chuunin sat him down in the chair, not once having ever been anything but gentle with him.

"Please," Ibiki said soothingly, looking saddened to see the man. "Have some more tea."

The prisoner's eyes narrowed, but he did as he was told, gulping the soothing blend down once he realized it was more of the calming tea. If there were poison, his suffering would end all the sooner, so he gulped it down, greedily accepting more each time it was offered by the Chuunin who refilled his cup seven times while Ibiki was sipping his single and first one. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry," Ibiki said with a sigh. "Konoha likes to show its kind face to the world, but we know what we're doing when it comes to all forms of information gathering. Sadly, we never really use the same methods each time. In all honesty, we usually just draw a method out of a hat and that leads us to where we are today."

The Chuunin prisoner blinked at the scarred torture expert, unbelieving, and then looked around, only to quickly gulp down more tea and hold it out for another refill. "And ... er, where is that, exactly?"

"Yours was chosen by a Genin team that will be observing. We do this for each team so they know a bit of what to expect if they're ever caught," Ibiki began, letting a group of children into the room with a gesture, who actually were Genin, but under Henge to look much younger as they were members who had repeatedly failed to become Chuunin, thus more likely to fail to succeed in their missions since they couldn't advance enough to get the next rank. There were six, each looking around wide-eyed and with great interest to make it seem like they were being given an honor. "We gave you painkillers and the tea, along with plenty of water, and all of it had plenty of vitamins to keep you healthy for the six hours your session should involve. I'll try to break you quick, I promise," Ibiki said, mentally chuckling as the man's expression turned to horror.

The man continued to stare at Ibiki as he was shown over to a table saw with a small conveyor belt, designed for the large, heavy doors in some of the clan compounds and the Hokage Tower, along with other such similar needs. When the man was tied to the conveyor belt, with his arms to his sides and his legs spread eagle, his eyes moved from the sorrowful-looking interrogator to the glinting blade of the table saw, four feet from his head.

"No! No! Turn him around! The saw should start in the middle! That'll make this last longer instead of killing him right away!" Ibiki roared at the Chuunin, who had the grace to look sorry and who actually apologized to the crying Chuunin prisoner.

The prisoner couldn't believe what was happening. His pants were removed and he was topless, 'waste not, want not' the scarred man said, and the high-pitched whining started up as the saw began to spin furiously. "I'll talk, I'll talk!"

"I'm sorry," Ibiki said loudly so he was heard over the metal-on-metal whirring of the blade and its housing. "But you've had so much tea that you can't really be this desperate to say anything yet! Once the pain sets in and the adrenaline overrides the tea, then we'll know if anything you say now is the truth or not!"

"No! I've got lots of adrenaline! There's not an ounce of calm about me!" The prisoner struggled against his bindings, screaming as the conveyor belt lurched forward an inch as it started up, and then began to very slowly move forward at the slowest possible setting.

"I suppose it's possible," Ibiki said thoughtfully, still loudly enough to be heard over the saw.

"Yes! It's very possible!" The Chuunin prisoner agreed quickly, nodding his head.

"But the children," Ibiki continued. "They're supposed to be seeing what happens if they get caught so they know better. We really _do_ need to think of the children."

"_They get the idea_!" The prisoner screeched. "Oh God! Please! Just rough me up a bit! Take a leg or an arm! I'll be the Hokage's girlfriend! I'll even tell you where my ex wife lives!"

Ibiki shook his head. "Sorry, I really am. But we really need them to know, you understand? If I let you go now, what kind of message does that send to today's youth?"

The prisoner screamed and fought until he actually felt the small wind generated by the blade less than three inches away from his manhood when he soiled himself and then passed out. He was immediately rescued from where he almost lost any chance at children and then taken to a place where he could be told Ibiki had offered him a chance to give up everything he knew, telling the prisoner he told the children that if even one piece of information showed up as false, then your only recourse was the worst possible thing you could imagine with no chance of getting out of it. Since they were supposed to be the good guys, it sometimes was okay to appear that way as long as you still got the information you needed.

xXxXxXx

Chisio giggled as she yawned and put the book down and into her drawer on her nightstand. She had received many stories about Ibiki from her mother, but somehow, this made the man more real to her. It was like she was seeing a side of the man in his stories that Anko hadn't ever really been able to see since they worked together.

That, and it would all that much better when she could see Uncle Gai the next day and ask about that tutu.

Smiling contentedly, Chisio turned off her reading lamp and curled into her pillow, looking forward to the next day's reading.


End file.
